Surprising as sunrise

So. Newt Gingrich -- you remember him, right? Divorced his wife while she lay in her hospital bed, attempting to survive a little thing called malignant cancer? Because he was already fucking around with some younger piece of GOP hill tail? It turns out, he was also screwing around when he was spearheading that whole "let's impeach the President for a blow job" foofaraw. Sez Newt:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich was having an extramarital affair even as he led the charge against President Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky affair, he acknowledged in an interview with a conservative Christian group.

"The honest answer is yes," Gingrich, a potential 2008 Republican presidential candidate, said in an interview with Focus on the Family founder James Dobson to be aired Friday, according to a transcript provided to The Associated Press.

But wait! It's not over yet!

Gingrich argued in the interview, however, that he should not be viewed as a hypocrite for pursuing Clinton's infidelity.

"The president of the United States got in trouble for committing a felony in front of a sitting federal judge," the former Georgia congressman said of Clinton's 1998 House impeachment on perjury and obstruction of justice charges.

"I drew a line in my mind that said, 'Even though I run the risk of being deeply embarrassed, and even though at a purely personal level I am not rendering judgment on another human being, as a leader of the government trying to uphold the rule of law, I have no choice except to move forward and say that you cannot accept ... perjury in your highest officials."

But of course, this isn't the only case recently of the country's "highest officials" committing perjury, right? We've just concluded the trial of now-convicted-felon Scooter Libby. And what, pray tell, does Newt have to say about this shame of the nation, having some of the most powerful people in the world lie to federal officials under oath?

I think that's very dangerous for the United States to criminalize actions that are meant well. Now, again, I think we have to wait and see what the report looks like, but at least, up to this point, I have not seen any evidence from Mr. Fitzgerald that there was, in fact, a crime initially committed.

You see, Newt -- like all red-blooded conservatives -- knows who's really at fault here:

Joe Wilson was a stunningly malicious person systematically defaming the president of the United States in a way that was harmful to the United States.

Boy, if only we could criminalize harmfully defaming the good name of a sitting President, huh Newt? Then we could really shake things up. And I'm sure that Republicans would never, ever break that kind of law.