A post about Star Wars. How original.

So Vicki bought the newest DVD releases of Star Wars - complete with the original films, unmolested by George Lucas' later predation. It was weird seeing the unchanged, original films again after so long. Some thoughts:

-Damn, Lucas used to be da man. An incredible number of shots from the originals that I had assumed were CGI were in fact models and vintage ILM. What went wrong?

-Muppet Yoda very, very, very much better than CGI Yoda.

-Tatooine, in New Hope, seems like more of a frontier zone with Owen and Beru as tough settlers scrabbling out a meager existence. Meanwhile, Tatooine of Phantom Menace seems more like a criminal slum run by warlords. In one movie, Luke's home is Montana, circa 1870. In the other, it's Somalia. Weird. Maybe the Empire cleaned up Tatooine in the years before New Hope. That would at least explain why Jabba - a public man of the community in Phantom Menace - is driven off to his lair with nothing but slaves to feed his Rancor by Return of the Jedi.

-The AT-AT and -ST walkers remain and will always be militarily assets of dubious utility. I mean seriously, Luke's cunning plan in the Battle of Hoth is to trip them with wire. I can only assume these models were upgraded from previous versions, after the original AT's shoelaces were constantly being tied together by the bullies at AT-AT elementary school. As if adding insult to injury were possible, Ewoks beat the bipedal models. Ewoks. I'd hate to see the carnage that would ensue when the Empire went up against Teddy Ruxpin's Stryker Brigade.

-Everyone - without fail - in New Hope is a dick. Luke Skywalker? Whiny. Obi-wan? Cryptic and obnoxious. Chewy? Threatens violence over a chess match. But the biggest dick of the movies - and we love him for it - is Han Solo. Not only does he shoot first - as is proper - but every single time anyone (but especially C3PO) offers him help, rather than a gracious "why thank you, I'll immediately act on your advice" Han's response is a hate-filled explosion. The purest example comes from Empire:

Nameless Rebel: But sir, in this weather your tauntaun will freeze to death!

Han: Then I'll see you in hell!

This at least explains the trouble that Han gets in to later in the movie:

Leia: I don't like the look of that asteroid. There could be a giant, spaceship-swallowing snake in there!

Han: Shut the hell up bitch!

***

C3PO: Sir, it appears we're being followed by Boba Fett's ship. What if he captures you and has you frozen in carbonite to be sent back to Jabba the Hutt?

Han: Suck my processor, you jumped-up spellchecker!

***

Lando Calrissian: Boy, Han, it's a good thing you got here before the Empire - wink, nudge - or else you might be in danger - wink, nudge - and then Luke Skywalker could be baited in to a trap - wink, nudge - and have his hand cut off. You won't mind, of course, because you'll be frozen in carbonite by that point. Wink, nudge.

Han: Huh? I'm sorry, I don't listen to token black characters.

At least people were trying to help Han. Not like some people:

Luke: I dunno. I get this weird vibe from Leia. Like we've met somewhere before... like she's a distant cousin or something.

R2D2: I would know, and I'm 100% certain you've never met, and you're definitely not related. (stifles digital laughter) Dude, you should totally tap that ass.

R2D2. Biggest dick of them all.

(Memo to George Lucas: please don't sue me.)