An Anniversary Play in Three Acts

(I'll be working the next few days, so I present this early.)

Act 1: March 20, 2003

Hawk: Yee-haw! Let's roll, motherfucker! We're gonna roll in to Baghdad, make Iraq a democracy, sell oil to Israel, destroy OPEC, and then move on to Tehran! Suck it, bitches!

Dove: Umm... do you even listen to yourself talk? Sell oil to Israel? Are you serious? How long do you think any Iraqi government is going to last doing that? Do you really think that the Bush Administration is competent enough to pull this off? Mark my words: America is going to be bogged down in an occupation that won't be able to stabilize things. Iraq is awash in weapons, and most adult Iraqi men survived two wars - against Iran and the Americans. This is going to be a lot messier than you think. And what the hell happened to those WMDs you were so worried about?

Hawk: Why do you hate America? Go back to Russia, you Dixie Chick!

Act 2: June 2004:

Hawk: Man, I can't believe the media insists on reporting on nothing but the bad news from Iraq. Don't they know about all the schools we're building?

Dove: Yeah, but they might not be able to tell the whole story, what with the whole "6 hours of electricity thing." Also, you know, the regular car bombing.

Hawk: Please. That's just CNN's propaganda. Obviously, they want Kerry to win.

Dove: Well, he can't do any worse than this bunch. I mean really - have you seen the news from Abu Ghraib?

Hawk: Whoever leaked those pictures should be arrested!

Dove: Yes, because the obvious solution to a problem is to eliminate any evidence that the problem exists. I'm beginning to see a pattern.

Act 3: March 2006

Hawk: Boy, this war sure isn't going well.

Dove: Yeah, I - wait, I'm sorry. I'm not sure I heard that right. Did you just tell me the war is going badly?

Hawk: Yup.

Dove: Finally! After the atrocious planning, the lack of equipment, the historical ignorance, the thousands of casualties, the total inability to maintain order, the destabilization of the entire region, the constant drumbeat of bad news from Iran and North Korea, you finally agree that this war is going badly?

Hawk: Yup. But really, who could possibly have predicted that America would be bogged down in an occupation that isn't able to stabilize things? How could we know that Iraqis had so many weapons, or that they were so well trained to fight a war? How could we have known it would be so messy?

Dove: Me. I predicted it. I used exactly those words.

Hawk: Yeah, but you're a Democrat. I'm going to go ask John McCain when he thinks we should invade Iran.

Dove: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (Head explodes.)